What with all this hysteria surrounding Ebola, in addition to my crippling hypochondria and relentless obsession with zombie movies, I’ve decided to stop breathing into this very comforting paper bag of mine and formulate a realistic, executable plan for when the world inevitably experiences what I’ve decided to call the EBOLAcalypse.
Step One: Don’t Underestimate the Power of HANGRY
You will be very hungry…all the time… this is going to happen, you can’t stop it…everyone will be hangry as fuck….so the best thing you can do is:AKA stock up on food that will keep you alive and will taste not like complete shit. (like the following):
- ANYTHING HIGH IN FAT AND CALORIES AND IS LIGHT TO CARRY (such as):
- Nuts (not too salted… you will dehydrate…fool)
- Peanut Butter (not exactly light, but you can probs make it off like 2 spoonfuls a day…that’s about 180 cals…most of which is fat and protein and peanut-buttery deliciousness) - BONUS IF EXTRA CHUNKY
- Nutella… (same concept as above, plus, FUCK YEAH)
- Dried fruit / lemon drop candies (avoid that scurvy folks.. the apocalypse is going to be uncomfortable enough without being itchy as FUCK)
- Beef Jerky (bonus points for teri-fuckin-yaki)
Step Two: Get the Fuck Out of Dodge (or wherever you are if you live in a way too populous area)
- Find a small isolated town, area, house… bring some friends and family… emphasis on SOME… try to figure out who won’t be the biggest douche on the planet (maybe quite literally the biggest douche on the planet, after billions of people die) and who you can basically tolerate for the rest of your miserable life
- Bonus points on finding liveable locations in cold environments (shit like bacteria grows faster in the heat…this is why no one should be surprised that Texas is going first)
You’ll never find me now, in-laws!
Step Three: Obtain Proper Medical / Hygenic Supplies…(You Dirty Fuck)
- Shit Tons of Hand Sanitizer
- Goggles (because in 28 days later, that guy turns into a zombie from a drop of blood in his eye…just fucking trust me ok? cover your goddamn bases)
- Soap, Soap-Like Products, Dry Soap/Shampoo…really, anything that allows you to get to the end result of using soap. Which is being clean. You’re going to get dirty… like nasty ew gross don’t touch me dirty… and with Ebola running around, you’re going to want to be able to keep clean… not to mention things like gastro and the common cold are going to KICK YOUR MUTHAFUCKIN’ ASS (and possibly kill you) once you’re sleeping / hiking / hunting outside all the day long and freezing/overheating your forever malnourished and feverish tush off. So save yourself, and the people in your morale-quickly-dwindling survival crew, a whole lotta easy to avoid illnesses and wash your damn hands asshat.
- Antibiotics (and anything that is anti-bacterial… any alliance you had with bacteria and biotics before…u must let that go now… u too, must be ANTI biotic… (i don’t do science))
- Pain Medicine (cause shit is going to hurt an ass-ton more once we have no luxuries like baths and couches and we have to walk a lot)
- EVERYTHING ELSE FOUND IN A FIRST AID KIT… I don’t know everything all that’s in there…but I assume the ever-wise “they” put those specific items in the top priority FIRST aid box for a good goddamn reason…so bitches we should probs have it kthx
Just look at all that shit.
This one turns into a FUCKING GUN
Which leads me to the next step…
Step Four: STRAP / PACK / SMACK THE FUCK UP
It should go without saying that peoples will be going cray cray in the apocalypse, and will be trying to get at your shit, because they obviously didn’t read this blog post and will not be prepared. The world is full of mooches, and this filthy human character flaw will become ever more prevalent once everyone is sick and dying and looking like the cast from Walking Dead.
Might as well act as dirty as I look….
SO… you will need to take Lil Wayne’s advice and LOCK and LOAD…and basically stock up on every weapon/thing that could be used as a weapon that you can get your soon to be filthy little hands on. SUCH AS:
- GUNS (I know…I know…guns are bad mckay? but seriously when someone lookin like this guy below starts barrelin towards your cozy little studio apartment that you think you are oh so safe in, you’re gonna be singing a different tune my friend.)
Can I have a bite of your peanut butter?
- Bows / Crossbows and Arrows (not as good as a gun, but much easier to get probably…If Daryl, Katniss, and Legolas have taught me anything…it is that it can still get the job done.. RESPECT)
You’re doing it right.
- Knives (probably the EASIEST thing to get… seriously… get up and go to your kitchen…the time for laziness was the last decade of internet surfing decadence… and since you’ll have a LOT of free time once tumblr is no longer a thing…you can practice throwing your knives at trees, or that person you probably shouldn’t have invited along on your survival trek)
- Machetes / Swords / Scythes / Long Sharp Things… (you get to maintain distance while you SLICE your way to the baby jesus sweet comfort of that Ebola free cottage of yours that you secured during step 2)
- Hammers / Crowbars / Big Screwdrivers and other tools (not only will you be able to strap most of this shit onto your belt to make you look extra Village People cool, you will also find that these weapons will come in handy as regular old tools… that zombie brain bludgeoning smash stick? What a nifty hammer it makes)
- Aerosol Can + Lighter / Molotov Cocktail (Light mofos on FIRE…the only downside to this is that you will be wasting what was probably much needed deodorant or air freshener…in addition to this, you will be committing the unforgivably evil act of throwing away a whole bottle of liquor…all because some asshole wanted what she/he couldn’t have)
- Sporting Equipment (because baseball bats, hockey sticks, knee pads, a sharp pair of cleats, and let’s be honest, a crotch cup, are all very useful things to have during a world wide panic-stricken douchebag clusterfuck… people will be kicking… oh how much kicking there will be)
This kid gets it.
Looks legit to me.
Cause what the fuck else are you really gonna do when you walk out of your lil bunker and see this shit:
Bow and arrow you say? Maybe. But what about THIS SHIT?
That is a fucking tsu-zombie. Seriously, those bitches can run… I mean, not well, as you can see, but the thought alone is unsettling (cocks gun slowly)
I don’t really know the average running speed of say, an angry Ebola ridden human, but I’m not willing to take any chances.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT BALLS. You know what? We’re not even gonna talk about zombie walls…because there’s really no point is there? Just give up if you see this. Just give the fuck up.
Look, if you’re really worried about Ebola, or just an apocalypse in general, and you’re still not reassured after reading all of my heartfelt advice that I took like 2 hrs. to make while I SHOULD have been doing my shitty job, well then FUCK YOU, and DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH THEN.
Ok, I’m sorry, this shit is scury okay? Look, no hard feelings…I’ll even help you by posting a link to a list of pretty much every goddamn muthafuckin thang that you could ever dream of needing during the Ebolacalypse… or EMPocalypse….or Some-Other-Crazy-Shit-We-Haven’t-Even-Thought-Abocalypse.
So. You’re welcome.